23 December 2008
Why I have been in a strange mood as of late.
I was supposed to go to the temple today, but was unable due to some circumstances beyond my control. I'm kinda bummed about it. I'm at a point in my life where I need to make things happen. I need to find a direction and go with it. I can't wait for things to come my way. I was looking forward to conversing with the Lord in His Holy Temple to find that direction, to understand why I feel certain things (or why I can't stop feeling other things), to make sense of my situation. I feel that I took a huge step into the dark a few months ago, but I found more light once I exhibited the faith and took the step. Now I wonder what the next step is. Where do I need to go and what do I need to do to find even more light? I sat in the waiting room while we tried to figure out the situation, pondering the things that have been weighing on my heart, but it wasn't the same as sitting in the Celestial Room. There were too many distractions, too many people. Maybe I received all the answers I need for the time being a few weeks ago in Oakland. I have faith that the guidance I received from the Lord then is still relevant now, and I plan on following those promptings. I am scared to take this next step. More scared than leaving my family, friends, home, and country for two years to preach the gospel. More scared than the inevitability that I will go to war. Only one thing scares me more, the thought of not following the direction the Lord has given me. I know that He loves me and guides me. I know that He will lead me to true happiness. It's a scary thing not to understand how it's all going to play out. The words of my patriarchal blessing have been running through my head recently. They are of great comfort to me. They remind me that the Lord is aware of my needs and desires, that He will bless me more than I deserve, that the gospel is simple and beautiful. That blessing is full of vague promises, thus affording me the opportunity to exercise my faith. Something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I don't need to understand the “why,” but I do need to follow the promptings that I receive. As I work to make things happen in my life, I pray that I will have the faith to take steps into the darkness to find more and more of the light I seek. Perhaps I didn't need to go to the temple afterall to figure these things out. My heart is still full and there are many things weighing it down, but I take comfort in the fact that the Lord has felt my heartache and is by my side through whatever trials I may face. I take great comfort in knowing that the Atonement is real. Now may be the time I need it most. And believe me when I say that I have needed it pretty bad in the past.